Blade Runner

My Dearest Love,

Today was your family's Christmas party. You weren't there. Neither was I. First time in over twenty years. Of course, we had different reasons for being absent.

You will be happy to know that our children went however. I saw Kate later, and she said it was a good time. That went down like bitter liquor. How could they have a good time without you? Me, I could understand. Both kids went to stay with your sister for an overnight. Strange that I should think of a "free" night as such a curse.

Your ghost hangs close right now. You are everywhere in my memories and memories are everywhere tonight.

I went to a party earlier. Do you remember the invitations I would get every year from my old fraternity brother? Every year, I would put it on the calendar and every year, something would come up. Suddenly, this year my dance card was empty, so I went.

He lives in a large apartment complex in the south metro area. I don't really know how to describe the place other than it reminded me of a TV set for a sitcom set in New York. You know - big apartment with lots of rooms. His "wife" has a thing for stuffed santa bears. There must have been three hundred of them staged around the place.

I couldn't get over the opulence of it. That, and the fact that the average age of the guests was about seventy-eight. Fuck me, what was I going to do. I made a pass through and spotted the host wearing a santa hat with flashing lights around the brim. He was talking to a bunch of younger attendees (bout fiftyish) and didn't seem to recognize me.

I collected a glass of red wine and looked for a safe harbor. There were none to be found. I kept telling myself that if I just walked the circle one more time, I would find someone who looked interesting to talk to. Half way through the third cycle, I put my jacket on and left, never having talked to my host. What a pitiful social animal I am now. I just wanted to go someplace safe and quiet.

So, here I am at home - watching a movie with the dog. I am such an emotional cripple. It is so hard to go out and relate to strangers. What is to become of me? I am alienated from your family. My family is spread across the country. I am not sure that I am walking the right path as a parent. Man, I am a wreck tonight.

The movie I picked to watch is "Blade Runner." Aside from the fact that I like it as a movie, I felt compelled to watch it because of the scene where Harrison Ford sits at the piano, drinking, and looking at the photographs that make up his past (as he remembers it). For some reason, that scene felt so poignant as I remembered it, but as I sit and watch it, I become overwhelmed with the force of my own memories and I have to stop the movie and come in here and try to talk to you.

So now, I sit at the keyboard and push bits and bytes out into the ether. Where are you tonight? Can you hear me? I kind of hope that you can't because if you can, then you will know what a hash I have made of things.

Shit. I am going to bed now. This is getting too maudlin. Tomorrow will be better. I will grill ribs, slowly, in the cold, and make the kids happy. I love you and wish you a happy christmas.

P.