Touchstone - Missing

My Dearest Love,

Today is one of those days where I sit at the close and wonder how it could have gone so wrong. I spent most of it on Christmas things - wrapping, organizing, making a run to the store for one more thing to balance things out between brother and sister.

Then there was dinner - a run to the store for some fresh chicken, rice in the cooker, stir-fry that looked christmasey with red peppers and green snow pea pods. Both kids said they liked it and all was going well. Till we started talking about family matters. Then it went all to shit.

One of the hardest parts about trying to do this alone is that there are no guideposts, no touchstones, no help. Tonight at the table, I wound up with two very emotional, and pissed off teenagers who tell me I have to lighten up, tell me that this family rift is because I am being unreasonable, and that I am too strict as a parent. When pressed for examples, none could be found, but there was no doubt that I was too strict, too uptight, too controlling.

I don't know. You were always my mirror and my counsel. Without you, I doubt myself. Particularly now when stress is running so high. I ask myself if I am being reasonable, and I believe I am, but when all around you start saying differently, and you know that perception of the world is so dependent upon the state of mind of the perceiver, and you also know that you are just so close to the edge, then it is easy to doubt oneself. How I miss your presence and guiding hand.

I told the kids that I made an appointment to see a family therapist with the aim of trying to learn better ways of dealing with all the stuff that is currently in front of me. To tell you the truth, I don't know what, if anything, that meant to them. In part, they sound like regular teenagers who think that their parent is totally screwed up and too restrictive. They sound just like I remember myself sounding, but I am so uncertain these days that I cannot be sure - I cannot trust my own perceptions. These certainly are not the circumstances that I had to deal with when I was thirteen or sixteen.

This is so hard. You know, I hate saying that. That is the same thing that our dear president said in that whiny voice and I can't ever say it again without hearing him in my head. But it is true nonetheless. I hope that this upcoming visit with the therapist can shed some light on things and provide some honest feedback. Right now, I am outnumbered.

The weather is shitty, wish you were here.

P.