The Burning Cold - Part 1

My Dearest Love,

I am not sure how to relate the following story. It is so painful, so stupid, so unnecessary, so full of potential for disaster, that I am afraid to pick up the thread again. I don't want to revisit the events of yesterday. But, as you will see, I must.

First, I must set the stage and frame the players, for some of what was said and done was driven by emotions that lay deeper than the accusations that were actually made.

You will remember from my last letter that I had found a "pen pal" here on the Internet. We traded comments on each other's blogs over a period of months and in that time we felt that we had gotten to know a little bit about each other through our writings. What we saw there drew our mutual interest. When our trust level was high enough, we began to correspond via email, and finally, by phone.

At that point, our relationship was impossible to hide. Our children soon became curious and asked who this person was that I was talking to so often. Not wanting to lie, I told them. They in turn, told members of their respective support groups, which included your sisters and your best friend, P.

While all of this was going on, I often thought of how this might play out, the ramifications of it - those thoughts often traveled down dark paths. On the one hand, the relationship that had unexpectedly developed was a bright spot in a life that was otherwise very dark. I was struggling to find a new way to live, to parent, to manage our family's needs. I have never known so difficult a time. To have this new person come into my life at that point in time was a beautiful experience. It helped lift me up at a time when I needed that.

I also was aware of how it might appear to those closest to our family. I struggled with this and still do. But that tells you a little about what has gone on over the last month and leads to the next series of events.

In striking up a relationship with someone on line, I was faced with a number of conundrums. First, my children quickly pointed out that I had violated every rule I had given them about on-line etiquette. They were right to the extent that I had let some of my privacy slip in order to take an anonymous encounter to a higher level. My response was that I was an adult, an experienced one at that, and I was proceeding with my eyes open.

Another problem I faced was what to do next about this new relationship. Everything I had learned about this person made me want to go forward, but everything about my present situation bid me to slow down. My role as a parent had to take priority. My responsibilities in the processing of your estate are on-going and time consuming. My support group consisting of various family members would almost surely take this with a high degree of suspicion and resentment.

Plus, it would not be as easy as meeting for a cup of coffee to get to know one another a little better - she lives a thousand miles away. Still, my desire to know if there was something more to this relationship drove me to arrange a meeting.

To do this, to meet this woman, I would have to go away for a few days. This meant that I would need to ask for help from you sisters to look after our children. While they acquiesced, I could tell that they were not happy and I could understand that. Looking back, there are many things I might have done differently, but I was not thinking very clearly I am afraid. Nothing new for me over the past four months, but not something to be proud of either.

I arranged to be gone for three nights and was looking forward to knowing more about who this person was.

Then, it all changed. She fell ill and was ordered by her physician to undergo bed rest and a course of strong anti-inflammatories and under no circumstances was she to fly. While disappointed, I understood. What to do now?

Since your sisters had arranged their schedules to accommodate my absence, and because I had finally sold my father's old car which was going to be picked up the day I had planned to fly out, I decided to drive up to my parent's house and see them over the same three nights that I had originally planned to be gone.

So, last Thursday morning, after the kids had gone out the door to school, I threw my things in the back of the car and hit the road.

The visit was very nice. I got a chance to see my Dad's old car go off down the road on a trailer on its way to its new home. I was able to spend time with my parents and at this point in our lives we never know if it will be the last time we visit with one another. I spent a day in the woods with my brother scaring grouse. I visited with some of our old friends and got in a night of poker. Plus, I slept and did things on my own schedule. It was the first time I had been away from the house and the kids since you left. I needed that. But a price was to be paid...more in Part 2.