The Knot

My Dearest Love,

I need your wisdom and guidance. I need to find a way through this unfamiliar, and treacherous terrain. I never, ever anticipated that the hardest parts of living without you would come from your own family. What was once seen and felt by me to be our greatest support is now disintegrating into my greatest nightmare.

I have spoken of the rift that has occurred between myself and your two sisters. I still hope that we can repair that, at least to where we can carry on and speak to one another. We meet as a group next Saturday with a professional facilitator to begin that process.

In the meantime however, another issue has come up. As you know, our son has a wonderful relationship with your youngest sister and her beau. He enjoys spending time with them and they extend frequent invitations for him to come to their house for dinner and overnights.

When you were still with us, this never seemed to be a problem, but now, I am growing increasingly uneasy. Trying to put a finger on exactly why is difficult. One reason is that for our son, going to visit with them is like a vacation. They have no children and delight in taking him to movies, dinners, special outings like driving go-carts. For him, it is like going on mini-vacations. He loves it. The problem arises when they drop him back off at home and he has to face homework, weekend chores, a bed room that needs to be picked up and a father that has to be the bad guy in getting him to do all of this.

I have seen him arrive home laughing and carrying on in their car only to go through a Jekyll and Hyde transformation when he walks through the door into the house. Now, I will be the first to admit that this house has not been a place of joy and light over the past months (try years), but I am trying to do the best possible job as a father and trying to figure out how we can survive and thrive going forward. Having our son see our house as a dark place made all the darker by being spoiled by his aunt makes this task even more difficult.

Today, while I was out doing the grocery shopping, I got a call from him. He had just returned from an overnight at his aunt’s house and he wanted to remind me that since tomorrow was Monday, he would be going to do something with your sister as part of an ongoing and regular weekly date. I just sat there dumbfounded. He said that we had talked about this but I don’t remember doing so. All I could think of was that your sister was trying to steal my son – turn him into her son because she had no children and no hope of having any of her own.

I was appalled at myself for even thinking it, yet, it would not leave my head. I gave her a call and told her that I was having some problems over the frequency of her invitations and that the difference between the environment at her house and the environment at mine set up a stark contrast that made my current job even more difficult. I didn’t know what to say to her to clearly express my concern without sounding like a crazy paranoid. This is where I need you. Am I being crazy? Should I feel concern that our son wants to hang out in the land of Oz where he never has to do homework or housework or work of any kind?

Your sister listened respectfully, but said that she did not want to give up her relationship with out son. She said that he needed it, which I don’t challenge. He misses you terribly and I cannot provide all of those things to him. There is no doubt in my mind that the relationship between those two is good and strong. What I am struggling with is that my task is made more difficult because of it. It feels like he is slipping away.

I don’t know what to do. I needed to tell your sister how I felt. I don’t want a repeat of the emotional explosion that occurred a couple of weeks ago. Yet, I don’t know how to make this better.

Lest I sound like all things are going to hell, in the larger picture, things are getting better I think. I am feeling stronger and finally starting to look outward. The day-to-day items that need to be taken care of for us to survive are getting done. We have a couple of trips planned for the upcoming holidays. I think that we are doing OK except for your family. What an unexpected turn of events. Where ever you are, if you could just come down and whisper in my ear tonight the solution to this Gordian knot, I would really, really appreciate it.

Yours forever,

D.