The Debriefing

My Dearest Love,

I got a call last week from the gentleman who facilitated the recent family debacle. He asked me if I would like to come in for a "debriefing," saying that sometimes it helped to go over a session and review it. I said, "sure" and this morning I went in.

It was raining pitchforks on the way down and the traffic was horrendous. I had given myself enough time and made it too the office facility with one minute to spare. My contact was not so lucky, having gotten caught up in traffic himself. So, I sat on the bench and did my own review while I was waiting.

It doesn't make sense. That's it in a nutshell. Your youngest sister, the more intelligent and rational of the two, is off her rocker. Your other sister, the martyr, is just along for the ride. What I can't figure out is what is eating the younger one. She went through her litany during the family meeting, just as she had with me on the phone when all of this was kicked off, like an avalanche that is initiated with one quiet step. The problem with her "issues" list though, is that none of them alone, or in combination, justify the emotional energy that is being expended, or worse, support the very real possibility of a family rift. Something else is driving her, but I cannot understand what.

Some of this was talked about when my contact finally arrived amid profuse appologies. He was very supportive of me and my positions under the circumstances. He said that he thought that your two sisters were unable to hear what was being said during the meeting in the way of explainations of behavior and my sincere statements of appreciation for all they have done for our family.

I reiterated my earlier statements of culpability, saying that I too lost my control and said things that were both undiplomatic and unhelpful. He responded saying that he thought that I reacted upon being attacked by both sisters simultaneously and one-on-one. He indicated that he believed that I was open to trying to work through the problems facing us, but that they were not.

I asked him if he had any recommendations because, as nice as it was to hear someone tell me that I was not completely crazy and was not acting unreasonably, those words would not help to resolve the problems before us.

He said that his recommendation would be for the three of us to see a family therapist individually rather than as a group. He thought that if that occurred, perhaps the therapist would be able to help each of us understand what our central needs were, and perhaps devise a plan to take care of those needs in a positive way. I told him that I thought that was a good idea and that I would set up an individual appointment regardless of what your sisters decided to do as I feel that I could use some outside, professional advice on how to do a better job as a parent under these trying circumstances.

We also talked about our son and the needs he has. It seems clear that your departure has left a large hole in him and that he is filling that hole to the best of his ability by maximizing his relationship with your youngest sister. While I think that is reasonable, and understandable, his disire to bring your sister closer at this time, makes the job of finding a new balance for the three of us more difficult, especially now that your sisters wish me dead.

It is all so very tiring. I want to tell you though, that other than the little relative problem, things are going pretty well. I feel good about the relationships between myself and our children. They are doing well in school and seem to be handling the stress of all of this very well. Your son even ate the chili I made tonight and said that it was good. I just about fell off my chair. What's more, he is now taller than our daughter. Life is insisting on moving along, no matter what some of the "adults" seem to think is proper.

Just wanted to say "hi" and give you the latest. Don't forget to take pictures and drop a line now and again.

With love,

P.