Letting Go
My Dearest Love,
What has it been now? Three months since I listened to the small sigh that marked your last breath on this earth? Sometimes, everything feels timeless, as if I am suspended in time and touched on every surface by all the events I have known, especially your love.
We were together for the last third of my life. More than anyone else save my parents, and in this analysis, they are not participants. You shaped my life. You created the life that I now try to care for and nourish. Our children I speak of.
There were times during your illness that you spoke of the future - when you were no longer there. You asked me if I would love again, marry again, have another partner in life. I said, "No, I couldn't." And, it was true. My heart could not contain that concept. My heart was full and had no room for more. My heart was torn with the thought of losing you. I said, "No, never."
For the last three months, I have mourned you. I go to sleep sensing your absence. I awake knowing you are gone. I feel the ache as though a part of my physical body has been torn away.
I think, though, that you knew me better than I knew myself. Why should that surprise me? You were always ahead of me. You knew that I had only a finite capacity for sorrow, for pain, for longing, for grieving the loss. You knew that I would rise some day and find a bit of sun when I expected none. You were always wiser than I.
Not too surprising to you, I have found a ray of unexpected light. Also not so surprisingly, not all who learn of it are happy.
You see, in your power, you so deeply imprinted on those who loved you, that they cannot easily understand that I might turn to another someday to share the joy of life. This is what confronts me now. How to go forward, as you once wished me to do, despite my objections that never, never, would I be able to love again - to go forward - to love our children for you, and to be happy in my life.
My Love, I wish with all my heart that you were still with me, that you were still my guide and my sleeping angel when I would awake in the middle of the night and see your beautiful face in the moonlight. How I wish.
That is not to be. I must find my way without you by my side now. Others worry that should I take interest in someone else, it somehow signals abandonment for you. You, who can see my heart more clearly than even I, know that is not true. Give me wisdom as I go forward. Touch me when I sleep and help me to find the way. Let me not lose the love of those closest to me. Let me be the best father that I can be.
With all my love,
D
What has it been now? Three months since I listened to the small sigh that marked your last breath on this earth? Sometimes, everything feels timeless, as if I am suspended in time and touched on every surface by all the events I have known, especially your love.
We were together for the last third of my life. More than anyone else save my parents, and in this analysis, they are not participants. You shaped my life. You created the life that I now try to care for and nourish. Our children I speak of.
There were times during your illness that you spoke of the future - when you were no longer there. You asked me if I would love again, marry again, have another partner in life. I said, "No, I couldn't." And, it was true. My heart could not contain that concept. My heart was full and had no room for more. My heart was torn with the thought of losing you. I said, "No, never."
For the last three months, I have mourned you. I go to sleep sensing your absence. I awake knowing you are gone. I feel the ache as though a part of my physical body has been torn away.
I think, though, that you knew me better than I knew myself. Why should that surprise me? You were always ahead of me. You knew that I had only a finite capacity for sorrow, for pain, for longing, for grieving the loss. You knew that I would rise some day and find a bit of sun when I expected none. You were always wiser than I.
Not too surprising to you, I have found a ray of unexpected light. Also not so surprisingly, not all who learn of it are happy.
You see, in your power, you so deeply imprinted on those who loved you, that they cannot easily understand that I might turn to another someday to share the joy of life. This is what confronts me now. How to go forward, as you once wished me to do, despite my objections that never, never, would I be able to love again - to go forward - to love our children for you, and to be happy in my life.
My Love, I wish with all my heart that you were still with me, that you were still my guide and my sleeping angel when I would awake in the middle of the night and see your beautiful face in the moonlight. How I wish.
That is not to be. I must find my way without you by my side now. Others worry that should I take interest in someone else, it somehow signals abandonment for you. You, who can see my heart more clearly than even I, know that is not true. Give me wisdom as I go forward. Touch me when I sleep and help me to find the way. Let me not lose the love of those closest to me. Let me be the best father that I can be.
With all my love,
D
Copyright ©2003-2007 Phaedrous
posted by Phaedrous at 5:03 PM
6 Comments:
P~~ It sounds like you are starting down the path of healing. Three months is a short time to ask yourself to open to another but I guess we all move at our different paces. Took me about 6 years but I had built a huge wall around myself.. looking back I wish I would have been more open to others, but that was the way I dealt with my loss, Well that and totally immersing myself into raising my kids, but that was a good thing in the end. Be at peace with what ever choice you make, it is YOUR choice, not those around you.
Cheesy,
Things happen when you least expect them to - sometimes when it is not convenient. I have experienced this kind of event before. Some are good, some not so.
One way of looking at life uses an old fashioned merry-go-round as a metaphore - the kind with the brass ring holder. A rider on the outer ring of horses comes to a point where they can take a chance, lean out, and try to snatch a prize. They may reach to far and fall, they may miss, they may gain the ring, or they may decide not to risk it.
I decided long ago to try for those rings when fate offered me the chance. This new relationship loomed into my universe like one of those rings. The timing was bad, or good, depending on how you look at it. I am certainly still in the maelstrom of emotion that marks the loss of a life partner and recognize my vulnerability. Still, there was the ring, was I going to go for it and take my chances, or sit out the ride. I went.
P.
Well I know you can't go forward without taking steps! Good luck my friend... just be at peace with your decisions.
Your post really strikes home with me. Three months is not a long time to expect much healing, but you're certainly on your path to healing.
P: Thanks for visiting. I didn't say anything about chemo on my last comment. But since you commented where you did on my blog, and I thought I read your comment correctly at Crystal's, I am making an assumption you are undergoing treatment? Please, I may be invading your privacy, so tell me.
Well, I need to take the time to stay and read for awhile, don't I? First, I am so deeply sorry about your loss. I think that having a blog is a wonderful place to express yourself and to have an immediate support system. I too, had cancer and as you said, it didn't have me. Sounds as though you are a pro at this. I had never even seen a blog until last month and once I had read the first one, I wanted one of my own. My objective was to try to learn enough so that by October, I could publish posts about Breast Cancer awareness to share with others. The post you saw was actually not supposed to be published until October, but Blogger was messing with me, and the post went up by mistake. But is was a good post to be published.
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