Empty on the Fourth

My Dearest Love,

It has been a little over a month now. I sometimes feel amazement that I can carry on at all. Sometimes there are even moments of happiness and joy.

This Fourth seems very strange without you. You were our glue and without you we have spun off due to the centrifugal forces of life. Kate flew off to Portland last Saturday to be with her cousins and other relatives at the family reunion. Joe left a day in advance of her to play with all of the water toys at Dave's cabin. He went on up to Duluth from there to commune with Pam, Mclean, and Morgan. I have been rattling around this empty house followed silently by a hairy black shadow who wonders where everyone has gone.

Where have you gone? Is there a place for a soul after the meat goes bad? I like to think that you are with the stars in all their glory. I look at the Astronomy Picture of the Day every morning and marvel at the beauty of the universe. We are so small and understand so little, but when I see these marvelous pictures of the galaxies and nebulae, I think of you, soaring amongst them.

Sometimes I sit very quietly and listen for you. You did say that you would try to let me know what was out there - remember? I have not heard you though. But then again, my hearing is not what it once was.

I worry about how our little family with survive without you, its center. I try to do the right things, but so far, I don't seem to be able to keep the children here. I know that they need time to process what has gone on and what better place to do that than in the center of family. That is what they are doing I think. It's just not here, with me. I hope that when the hedonistic lure of summer is over and school once again imposes regularity and routine that we will find that connection that says "family."

In matters of a more mundane nature, you will be happy to know that I have been going out in the cool of the morning to do battle with the thistles up on the drain field. I pull for an hour or so before heading in to cool off. I am also trying to fix the seal on the kitchen sink. It has separated from the counter and was allowing moisture to seep in. I have tried to remove the old caulking in the areas where the separation has occurred (about two-thirds of the circumference) and will attempt to squeeze some silicone caulk in there tomorrow after it has had a chance to dry out.

I also have mechanical repairs to make. The brake servo on the Audi went out and I am preparing to replace that. Dave has sourced a new one for about 60 percent of what it would cost me to buy from the dealer, but it is still not cheap. Plus my motorcycle has been laid up for a month waiting for an adjustment screw that is part of the rocker arm set-up. Of course no one had such a thing in stock for a 30-plus year old BMW so it has been coming via yak train from Lower Slobovania. Good thing Kate is gone so I can use the Toyota without having to arm wrestle her for the keys.

Well, it is time for me to continue my chores. I am off to the garage to see how badly I can screw up the hydraulic brake system on the S6.

I love you and get juicy eyes every time I think of it. Nothing will ever replace you in my life and I simply have to remind myself that I am a much different, and better person for having shared it with you. One day, we will be together again.

D.