Sweats
My Dearest Love,
Last night was a bad one. I awoke sometime in the early AM despite the pills I had taken at ten. My pillow and sheets were drenched in sweat. I had hoped that the current round of chemo would take the night sweats away, but if it will, it has not done so yet. When one is looking for positive signs, this is not what you want.
Plus, I had "busy brain" and I tossed and turned worrying about all of the current "problems" that are in front of me. There were "car issues" and "cash issues" and "insurance issues" and "parenting issues". I was visited by demon after demon until the sun finally started to lighten the sky. I finally fell into a fitful sleep and woke feeling like I had run a marathon. This is no way to walk the healing path.
One reason I felt so frantic last night was because we are scheduled to leave for the Blues Fest in two days and one more thing on my car broke just as I had fixed another. This problem was more immediate however - my driver's side window got stuck in the "down" position making it less than waterproof and certainly insecure. As you know, I am fairly handy mechanically, but give me an electrical problem and I start looking for the razor to slit my throat. I finally had to eat my pride and take it to the dealer, who actually treated me very well under the circumstances. The problem is diagnosed (not fixed because I am trying to contain costs) but the window is now "stuck" in the UP position, which prevents me from hanging my arm out in the wind, but provides weather and theft protection. All things considered, a good result.
Did I tell you Kate backed the Toyota into a tree? She was trying to back out of a skinny driveway at night and while trying to avoid other cars parked along the drive, she hit a tree on the other side. Understandable and forgivable, but she didn't tell me about it. I found it when I went out to use the car for water testing and noticed the bumper didn't look quite right. Then, the rear door didn't open quite right. Then I saw that the taillight lens was cracked and broken. If all of that were not enough, the gas tank was so empty, I was lucky to make it to the closest station before running out of vapor. Hmmm, not a happy daddy.
All of this seems like such a struggle when you are doing it alone. I didn't have a clue about this part. I thought I knew, but I really didn't. If I live long enough, we will figure it out. If I don't, then it won't be my problem. I must admit that the second alternative feels attractive on some days.
I miss you.
With all my love,
D.
Last night was a bad one. I awoke sometime in the early AM despite the pills I had taken at ten. My pillow and sheets were drenched in sweat. I had hoped that the current round of chemo would take the night sweats away, but if it will, it has not done so yet. When one is looking for positive signs, this is not what you want.
Plus, I had "busy brain" and I tossed and turned worrying about all of the current "problems" that are in front of me. There were "car issues" and "cash issues" and "insurance issues" and "parenting issues". I was visited by demon after demon until the sun finally started to lighten the sky. I finally fell into a fitful sleep and woke feeling like I had run a marathon. This is no way to walk the healing path.
One reason I felt so frantic last night was because we are scheduled to leave for the Blues Fest in two days and one more thing on my car broke just as I had fixed another. This problem was more immediate however - my driver's side window got stuck in the "down" position making it less than waterproof and certainly insecure. As you know, I am fairly handy mechanically, but give me an electrical problem and I start looking for the razor to slit my throat. I finally had to eat my pride and take it to the dealer, who actually treated me very well under the circumstances. The problem is diagnosed (not fixed because I am trying to contain costs) but the window is now "stuck" in the UP position, which prevents me from hanging my arm out in the wind, but provides weather and theft protection. All things considered, a good result.
Did I tell you Kate backed the Toyota into a tree? She was trying to back out of a skinny driveway at night and while trying to avoid other cars parked along the drive, she hit a tree on the other side. Understandable and forgivable, but she didn't tell me about it. I found it when I went out to use the car for water testing and noticed the bumper didn't look quite right. Then, the rear door didn't open quite right. Then I saw that the taillight lens was cracked and broken. If all of that were not enough, the gas tank was so empty, I was lucky to make it to the closest station before running out of vapor. Hmmm, not a happy daddy.
All of this seems like such a struggle when you are doing it alone. I didn't have a clue about this part. I thought I knew, but I really didn't. If I live long enough, we will figure it out. If I don't, then it won't be my problem. I must admit that the second alternative feels attractive on some days.
I miss you.
With all my love,
D.
Copyright ©2003-2007 Phaedrous
posted by Phaedrous at 5:09 PM
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