Dreams

My Dearest Love,

I dreamt of you last night for the first time since you left me. I was wondering when this would happen. I thought it strange that I would not dream of you - you, who were such a part of my existence.

In the dream, you did things, and suffered things that were both in keeping with your personality and completely opposed. Of course, it was not you directing things buy my own wet-ware firing its synapses in whatever progression that it does when my consciousness is not present to direct it.

I awoke this morning glad that you had come to me in the night, even though it was a strange dream. You fell while rollerblading, as you once did when we rented skates and went around the popular lake trail so many years ago. In my dream, after you fell, someone called a "medic" type and he (a large bruising chap) made you remove your pants and pull your knees up to your chest, and spent his time examining parts of you that were not obviously damaged. What's up with that I wondered.

Dreams are so strange. For the longest time after you left, I did not dream that I can remember. Perhaps it is the little pills I take at night. They used to make me feel so sleepy fairly quickly and knocked me out for six or seven hours. Now, it is like I don't take them at all. I don't feel the effect and I often wake about 4 AM, only to doze on and off after that. I don't remember any dreams during most of that time. Of course, the drugs do induce a chemical amnesia that would explain my lack of memory, but last night I took them as usual and you visited me anyway and I remembered in the morning. Changes.

Are you looking in on us? Do you know your son has a new squeeze? Remember the family that moved in behind us in the old neighborhood? One of their children is a classmate of our son. Lately, they have been an "item." For one weekend recently, they were inseparable. Last Sunday, our boy spent the afternoon and evening at the state fair with her, playing and working the Saint's booth. More changes.

Your daughter asked me today if it was OK to see a "shrink." She must finally be trying to process the emotions related to A) your passing, B) child-to-adult transitions, C) boys, D) who knows. Just that she asked about it is a good sign I think. Now to find someone she can talk to. Changes.

If you are looking in, you probably know more than me. If that is not the case, I will write as I can with updates. I miss you and love you. I am very horny however and will no doubt do something you would have found inappropriate were you still to be here. Hope you are OK with that.

With all my love,

D.

20th Wedding Anniversary

My Dearest Love,

Today is our twentieth. I know that you were hoping to be here to help me celebrate, but that was not to be. I don't know how much celebrating I will do anyway. Maybe a glass of champaigne tonight, though it will be a hollow event without you.

Twenty years ago on a beach with Lake Superior as the backdrop. What a perfect day it was. The weather here looks nice today. Sunny and not too hot. My plan is to spend my time today doing things that I know would please you.

There is the front garden to weed and there are a bunch of volunteers poking up through the hedges. I figure maybe the kitchen will get a good clean as well.

There is an insurance inspector coming over to go over the house this afternoon. I was trying to keep the entire day free, but you know how schedules get. I also have some medical bill issues to try to sort out.

Today is going to be very emotional for me. I tend to get leaky without much provocation. Joe asked if I would like him to fix me an anniversary dinner like he did last year. I told him that I thought that would be "too much" for my poor heart to handle. I'll barbeque some chicken instead.

Your sisters and Pam keep voluteering to come over and help go through your things, but I am not ready for that. I am still clinging to the parts of you that are left and do not want them taken away just yet. I can't deal with the emptyness. That time will come, but not right now.

Will you sit down and talk to me at the dinner table like in "The Sixth Sense?" I have not felt your presence in any way so far, and to be truthful, don't believe in that stuff anyway. Where ever you are, please know that I miss you and love you. You will be especially in my thoughts today.

Yours,

D.

Sweats

My Dearest Love,

Last night was a bad one. I awoke sometime in the early AM despite the pills I had taken at ten. My pillow and sheets were drenched in sweat. I had hoped that the current round of chemo would take the night sweats away, but if it will, it has not done so yet. When one is looking for positive signs, this is not what you want.

Plus, I had "busy brain" and I tossed and turned worrying about all of the current "problems" that are in front of me. There were "car issues" and "cash issues" and "insurance issues" and "parenting issues". I was visited by demon after demon until the sun finally started to lighten the sky. I finally fell into a fitful sleep and woke feeling like I had run a marathon. This is no way to walk the healing path.

One reason I felt so frantic last night was because we are scheduled to leave for the Blues Fest in two days and one more thing on my car broke just as I had fixed another. This problem was more immediate however - my driver's side window got stuck in the "down" position making it less than waterproof and certainly insecure. As you know, I am fairly handy mechanically, but give me an electrical problem and I start looking for the razor to slit my throat. I finally had to eat my pride and take it to the dealer, who actually treated me very well under the circumstances. The problem is diagnosed (not fixed because I am trying to contain costs) but the window is now "stuck" in the UP position, which prevents me from hanging my arm out in the wind, but provides weather and theft protection. All things considered, a good result.

Did I tell you Kate backed the Toyota into a tree? She was trying to back out of a skinny driveway at night and while trying to avoid other cars parked along the drive, she hit a tree on the other side. Understandable and forgivable, but she didn't tell me about it. I found it when I went out to use the car for water testing and noticed the bumper didn't look quite right. Then, the rear door didn't open quite right. Then I saw that the taillight lens was cracked and broken. If all of that were not enough, the gas tank was so empty, I was lucky to make it to the closest station before running out of vapor. Hmmm, not a happy daddy.

All of this seems like such a struggle when you are doing it alone. I didn't have a clue about this part. I thought I knew, but I really didn't. If I live long enough, we will figure it out. If I don't, then it won't be my problem. I must admit that the second alternative feels attractive on some days.

I miss you.

With all my love,

D.

Consequenses

My Dearest Love,

It has been two months now since you left. I wonder what sights you have seen. It seems both longer and impossible at the same time. I live in a life of memories superimposed upon the world of now. My brain seamlessly segues between the two leaving me feeling not quite tethered to the "real" world.

I am three days into my five-day treatment. I feel the disease now - a rarity for me. I can feel crowding in my neck from the swollen lymph nodes. Nothing is visible, but I do feel it. Aside from having arms full of poke marks, I really haven't suffered much so far from the treatment itself. It is there, but it is in stealth mode. There is a little fatigue and the hint of nausea before arriving at the clinic. I think the latter is just anticipation of the needle and the poison. It is nothing like what you had to endure.

For the first time in a long time, I have had to punish Kate. She apparently smuggled some vodka out to the family reunion and shared it with all of her teenage cousins. Enough was consumed so that the activity was obvious to some. Not being there myself, I knew nothing of the event until your sister, Pat, and your SIL, Pam, confronted Kate here at the house a week after the crime. They then made her tell me.

Rather than act immediately on the news, I chose to wait. I had the canoe trip to plan for and there is only so much I can do at any one time these days. I told Kate there would be consequences, but I wanted to think upon the matter for a time first.

After we returned from the canoe trip, I rendered judgement. Because she wants to be a supreme court judge this year in YIG, I tried to structure the discipline as I thought a lawyer might (where did I get that from?). What follows is the contract I presented her with and asked her to sign.

Violation #1:	Willful underage drinking outside the family home and circle.
Consequence #1:	Loss of 1 hour from curfew deadline for the month of August.
Violation #2:	Sourcing, transporting across state lines via aircraft, and supplying of liquor to other underage minors.
Consequence #2:	Grounding for two weekends (August 4, 5, 6, and August 18, 19, 20) from the hours of 6 PM Friday to 6 AM Monday – no car, no TV, no phone, no computer for personal or pleasure use. Official commitments and obligations are permitted. Participation in family entertainment is permitted. Parental dispensation is permitted.
Violation #3:	Obtaining liquor illegally with the intent to supply said liquor to other underage minors.
Consequence #3:	Loss of car privileges for 1 week (6 AM, Monday, August 21 to 6 AM, Saturday, August 26), plus, effective immediately as of this date and time, loss of car privileges until the name and phone number of the liquor supplier are submitted to me, her father.

These terms are non-negotiable and binding. Failure to adhere to, or willful violation of will result in appropriate further consequences.

These decisions may be appealed to a higher court - your Aunts.

We will see how it goes. I miss you.

Love,

D.