Christmas

My Dearest Love,

Today is Christmas Day - the hardest holiday in the hardest season for me. Not because of what happens, for that is full of joy and family and togetherness. It is because I miss you the most right now. This was always your holiday, your favorite time of the year. I try to make it a good time for us as a family, but it is nothing like it was when you were with us. I know you are off doing important things, but let me just give you a glimpse of our Christmas this year.

First of all - and don't come back to haunt me like Marley's ghost over this - we don't have a tree. I know, I know, but I kind of left it up to the kids to set the schedule on this one. I asked them a month ago when they wanted to get the tree and then I dropped reminders as the time grew closer. K's scheduel was demanding of course. I barely saw her between school, work, YIG, managing the dance team (for the camaraderie and a hoody I am sure), and hanging with friends. Finding a time when she was home in the evening or a weekend afternoon was like hearing the honest truth come out of a politician's mouth.

J wasn't much better. He's turning into quite the social butterfly.

I had my own issues with time. My last chemo treatment kept me down for about a week, not the usual day. Something weird was going on with my knees and I have been feeling a lot of joint pain in my hands. Maybe there is no relationship with the chemo except the timing, but the long and short of it was that I didn't feel like doing much.

Then there are the trips up north. Between family gatherings and preparations to buy my mother's house (don't haunt me for that either, we need a fresh start) I have been on the road a lot.

So, I came into this particular holiday kind of unprepared. Not like you who finished their Christmas shopping in August. There are still a few presents that need to be purchased and delivered.

Your children appear to be happy campers this morning however. They received DVD's from their cousins, gift cards from Santa, books, jewelry (girl), matching water bottles (boy) from two different givers, and car parts (used taillight for girl to replace one cracked some time ago whilst attempting difficult backup maneuver).

Then we had french toast and talked about what was received and what was given. It was a good time.

Last night however, I had a long talk with K about how she was feeling. She seemed sad and had bags under her eyes from not getting much sleep the night before. She said that she was feeling depressed because Christmas had changed for her. She said that this year, she wasn't anticipating it like she used to. For her, Christmas is looking a little jaded and has lost its magic.

We talked about it for a long time. I told her that some of that was due to the transition she is in right now. It's the end of high school, the end of youth, the end of this house as a home. All of those things can be hard taken by themselves. Lump them all together and it can seem overwhelming. I don't know if it helped to talk about it or not. She seemed in better spirits afterward.

This morning I let them sleep as long as they wished. I rose early and did my Saint Nick stuff with the stockings and put a few more presents out around the Kiva fireplace. Then, since the newspaper had not yet come, I sat down and stuffed our holiday letter into the remaining envelopes. Aside from a few that need the address checked and those that go out to K's friend's families, it is all done.

I haven't told our neighbors yet that I am putting the house on the market. I meant to at the annual coffee party, but I wound up not going (still feeling funky from the chemo, I guess). I keep meaning to call the B's right across the street, but inertia appears to have the best of me. I do need to talk to them though before the sign goes up.

So, are we over the hump yet? Getting to this point has felt like a tough hike with the road getting steeper as I went. There were more than a few dark moments. Even so, I don't want to go back on the AD's. Not that I didn't enjoy the calm that they provided. It just seems too foreign in a way. I want to feel life, even when that feeling is not good.

I am hoping that with Christmas out of the way (more or less) for another year, things will start to look up. There is so much to do that I sometimes feel that beginning of "the weight" that came down on top of me when you first took off. I try to remember to take it one bite at a time when I catch myself feeling that way.

This will be the first major legal/financial transaction I have made without you here. That is one of the anxiety factors. You always knew the way in that particular forest. I miss your guidance. If you get this in time, and have a second, maybe you could drop in when I am sleeping and let me know what you think. I'll keep an ear open.

That's about all for now. Your children and I miss you, but we are keeping on with things. You would be proud of them.

With love,

D.