Sunday, April 22, 2007

Thinking of You

My Dearest Love,

It has been too long since we have talked. It's not that I don't think of you. It's more that the little things that steal my time have been fairly mundane and I hate to distract you from your explorations out among the stars with such earthly chatter.

It is almost a year now that you have been gone. I think of that often because there are several things that will happen with that date as a trigger. I have been preparing for it for some time now and I think that all of the business items will be lined up and taken care of. Some of what might occur cannot be known and prepared against because they are things of the heart. I will be setting aside time for myself and will not plan on doing anything serious that day.

I heard from your best friend, P, who said you came to her in a dream. She said that you let her know that you were keeping an eye on us back here and that you had been following the soap opera that has played out over much of the past nine months. There haven't been any real fireworks in some time, mostly because I have kept to myself. Some time ago, I made the decision to move on and spend my energy on other things in front of me. I see your sister, B, on a pretty regular basis due to our mutual fiduciary responsibilities and we have kept things on a very business like manner for the most part. The exception being the little matter that I last wrote to you about.

I have not had much contact at all with your other sister, P. She still has weekly dates with our son and as long as that goes well, I will not interfere.

I have decided however to make changes in my estate planning that will no doubt displease them. After much thought and discussion with others who's opinions I value, I have decided to change the plans we once made as they relate to guardianship of our children should I follow you before they reach their majority. Associated legal declarations will also be changed so that I can rest a bit easier in the belief that should I die or become incapacitated, the power to make decisions will be placed with those whom I trust.

I am at peace with this. I believe that the decisions I have made are sound and in the best interest of myself and our family. Should you come to me in a dream, I look forward to hearing what you think.

Until then, I hope you are taking lots of snapshots so that when we are together again, you can show me what you have seen.

With all my love.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Theme from Twilight Zone

My Dearest Love,

Just when you think that it is all behind you, shit falls from the sky and the world becomes an asylum. I can't make this stuff up. How did you live with me for twenty-one years and I never knew your family was certifiably insane? The ones that I thought were so grounded are turning out to be raving loonies.

I met with your middle sister this afternoon after work so we could go over the routine for the interview we are conducting tomorrow - pretty straight forward stuff - what are we going to ask, what are our requirements, what are out expectations? I had written down a number of questions and emailed her in advance. I explained what I thought our situation was and what we were looking for and asked if that jibed with her thinking. She indicated it did. In other words, it was a pretty straight forward business meeting focused on our management of our family resources. That is until the end.

Then she got a strange look on her face. Kind of like one gets with a bad attack of gas and she said that she had something she had to ask for. She then went on to explain that she had talked to you before you took off about "doing something" for her boys similar to what you asked me to do for your brother - the donor for your stem-cell transplant. Funny, I thought. You never mentioned that to me and we talked many times about what you wanted me to do after you left.

Your sister explained that you never "really" thought that you would die and therefore you never got around to actually carrying out your intention to gift her boys. I asked her exactly what she had in mind, but she couldn't quite spit it out. She did say that her boys had to do without so much because she (your sister) was taking care of you (where was I?) and therefore she couldn't go to work and couldn't earn money and therefore they would have to go without or earn it for themselves. Her last words were quite faint, as if she were talking to herself and she said, "It really is a lot of money."

Just when I thought that things were drifting back towards some kind of normalcy, the weird fairies fly by and sprinkle bozo dust all over everything. It's like wandering into a carnival funhouse after somebody at the bar slipped you a little acid when you weren't looking. Too fucking bizarre for me - and that takes some doing.

Clinging to a small floating piece of sanity,

D.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Turning of the Seasons

My Dearest Love,

As I write this, the geese are honking and sparing out in the pond, which is at a higher water level than in many of the last years due to a very wet, slow-moving low pressure system that has been parked over us for a week. This has kept the skies gray, the rain falling, and the temperatures cool. While I miss the sun, I am very happy to see the precipitation. We are still very short of moisture in the soil and we need as much rain as we can get.

The kids seem to be doing well. K has a boyfriend that she wants me to meet. This will be a first. So far, she has kept them all hidden from me, afraid, I am sure, that I will haul out the "dating application form" that so embarrassed her years ago. I promised that I would be on my best behavior, but when she brings her beaus home, her bedroom will be off limits. That discussion went on for some time and in the end, we agreed to disagree, but I held the veto card. She likes to argue with me and we have both enjoyed the discussions. We have learned to keep in on the level of a debate and not to get overly emotional. She is a passionate and intelligent advocate and I can easily see her pursuing a career in law which is her current plan.

J still has a way to go on the emotional front. He still wants things to happen "right now" and when they don't, or when I refuse to acquiesce to his latest electronic fetish, he pouts. Still, he is growing in body and mind. You would be shocked to hear his new "lower" voice and to see that his eyes have moved up by several inches.

I love looking at both of our children and searching their faces for signs of you. I confess that I don't easily see either of us there because they are two individuals to me. Others say the stamp is obvious, but to me, they are K and J. I love watching them none the less.

Today is the first time in over twenty years that I did not come back into the bedroom after making the morning coffee to find a card addressed to me leaning on my pillow. I ...... had to pause for a moment. Something got in my eye and I couldn't see straight. Just know that I am thinking of you on this, my birthday. You have been gone ten months today. I miss you.

D.