Blade Runner

My Dearest Love,

Today was your family's Christmas party. You weren't there. Neither was I. First time in over twenty years. Of course, we had different reasons for being absent.

You will be happy to know that our children went however. I saw Kate later, and she said it was a good time. That went down like bitter liquor. How could they have a good time without you? Me, I could understand. Both kids went to stay with your sister for an overnight. Strange that I should think of a "free" night as such a curse.

Your ghost hangs close right now. You are everywhere in my memories and memories are everywhere tonight.

I went to a party earlier. Do you remember the invitations I would get every year from my old fraternity brother? Every year, I would put it on the calendar and every year, something would come up. Suddenly, this year my dance card was empty, so I went.

He lives in a large apartment complex in the south metro area. I don't really know how to describe the place other than it reminded me of a TV set for a sitcom set in New York. You know - big apartment with lots of rooms. His "wife" has a thing for stuffed santa bears. There must have been three hundred of them staged around the place.

I couldn't get over the opulence of it. That, and the fact that the average age of the guests was about seventy-eight. Fuck me, what was I going to do. I made a pass through and spotted the host wearing a santa hat with flashing lights around the brim. He was talking to a bunch of younger attendees (bout fiftyish) and didn't seem to recognize me.

I collected a glass of red wine and looked for a safe harbor. There were none to be found. I kept telling myself that if I just walked the circle one more time, I would find someone who looked interesting to talk to. Half way through the third cycle, I put my jacket on and left, never having talked to my host. What a pitiful social animal I am now. I just wanted to go someplace safe and quiet.

So, here I am at home - watching a movie with the dog. I am such an emotional cripple. It is so hard to go out and relate to strangers. What is to become of me? I am alienated from your family. My family is spread across the country. I am not sure that I am walking the right path as a parent. Man, I am a wreck tonight.

The movie I picked to watch is "Blade Runner." Aside from the fact that I like it as a movie, I felt compelled to watch it because of the scene where Harrison Ford sits at the piano, drinking, and looking at the photographs that make up his past (as he remembers it). For some reason, that scene felt so poignant as I remembered it, but as I sit and watch it, I become overwhelmed with the force of my own memories and I have to stop the movie and come in here and try to talk to you.

So now, I sit at the keyboard and push bits and bytes out into the ether. Where are you tonight? Can you hear me? I kind of hope that you can't because if you can, then you will know what a hash I have made of things.

Shit. I am going to bed now. This is getting too maudlin. Tomorrow will be better. I will grill ribs, slowly, in the cold, and make the kids happy. I love you and wish you a happy christmas.

P.

Touchstone - Missing

My Dearest Love,

Today is one of those days where I sit at the close and wonder how it could have gone so wrong. I spent most of it on Christmas things - wrapping, organizing, making a run to the store for one more thing to balance things out between brother and sister.

Then there was dinner - a run to the store for some fresh chicken, rice in the cooker, stir-fry that looked christmasey with red peppers and green snow pea pods. Both kids said they liked it and all was going well. Till we started talking about family matters. Then it went all to shit.

One of the hardest parts about trying to do this alone is that there are no guideposts, no touchstones, no help. Tonight at the table, I wound up with two very emotional, and pissed off teenagers who tell me I have to lighten up, tell me that this family rift is because I am being unreasonable, and that I am too strict as a parent. When pressed for examples, none could be found, but there was no doubt that I was too strict, too uptight, too controlling.

I don't know. You were always my mirror and my counsel. Without you, I doubt myself. Particularly now when stress is running so high. I ask myself if I am being reasonable, and I believe I am, but when all around you start saying differently, and you know that perception of the world is so dependent upon the state of mind of the perceiver, and you also know that you are just so close to the edge, then it is easy to doubt oneself. How I miss your presence and guiding hand.

I told the kids that I made an appointment to see a family therapist with the aim of trying to learn better ways of dealing with all the stuff that is currently in front of me. To tell you the truth, I don't know what, if anything, that meant to them. In part, they sound like regular teenagers who think that their parent is totally screwed up and too restrictive. They sound just like I remember myself sounding, but I am so uncertain these days that I cannot be sure - I cannot trust my own perceptions. These certainly are not the circumstances that I had to deal with when I was thirteen or sixteen.

This is so hard. You know, I hate saying that. That is the same thing that our dear president said in that whiny voice and I can't ever say it again without hearing him in my head. But it is true nonetheless. I hope that this upcoming visit with the therapist can shed some light on things and provide some honest feedback. Right now, I am outnumbered.

The weather is shitty, wish you were here.

P.

Anniversaries

My Dearest Love,

You were always so much better about remembering anniversaries than I. Do you remember going on about the anniversary of the first time you saw me? And the anniversary of the first time we met? And our first date? I could never keep track of them all.

I remembered this one though. Friday was the day that marked the six-month anniversary since you left.

Seems like yesterday and a million years all at the same time.

We have covered a lot of ground in that time. I was certifiably crazy for the first three months. It was hard for us all. The kids make light of it when I ask them saying that nothing was really different, but I know better. I was a basket case and not very easy to live with. Things started to get better around the three month mark. I began to function again. It was a slow process and one that was hard to measure. I look back now and see a broken road, crooked and potholed. Not a journey I want to make again.

You would be proud of your children. They are hanging in there and doing a good job. They are doing well in school and keeping up with their chores at home. There are moments of course, like last night when your daughter came home from work with a little postcard that a co-worker left in her tip folder inviting me to a "christian" pot luck gathering that occurs on Friday nights. Apparently your daughter conveyed to her co-worker that her father was sitting around too much (along the lines of "Sleepless in Seattle" I am guessing and said co-worker let it slip that there was a gorgeous fifty-six year old widow that is part of this group.

So now, it is Kate's mission to "fix me up" with this group. Bless her little scheming heart, but no thank you very much. I'll get myself into trouble if it is all the same to you. I know that our daughter has only my best interests at heart, but I cannot conceive of what a situation would be like.

As for other matters that I have written about recently, all is quiet. No contact from your sisters. The upcoming holiday does present a bit of a conundrum however. What to do about the traditional family gathering and exchange of gifts. I did send our contribution for the annual "children's fund" but I am not sure what to do about the adults. This was always your bailiwick and I would happily pass it off to you once more.

To be truthful, I feel no compulsion to give gifts to your family members. The ones I once counted as true friends are out for my blood and the rest I would see only at gatherings that were quite frankly, quite boring and forgetful. I went only for you, you see. So, now what to do? Should I be the total bore your sisters picture me as and tell them all to take a flying fuck, or should I be "politic" and find some "meaningful" gift to give each branch of the family?

I don't know, but I am running out of time. You are free of it all now and I hope you are making the most of it. Where ever you are, have fun and send cards.

With all my love,

P.