Father's Day

My Dearest Love,

What would this day be without you? Aside from the most basic role you played in this being a day I have some connection with, I must say that without your presence and organizational skill, it has certainly come down a peg or two as one of the social highlights of the year.

Your daughter went off attending grad parties and then to work. Your son spent the weekend in the presence of your sisters and actually gave me a father's day gift - a copy of Armistad Maupin's "Michael Tolliver Lives," the seventh in the "City" series. That was sweet, but so far, he has avoided completing the task I asked him to do for this day - clean the turtle tank.

I went to the Blind Lizard Rallye as is my tradition. It was a low-key and pleasant experience. I ran into our old friend, John O and his daughter, Emily. There were also some old colleagues from my ex-workplace who went on at length about the decline in the quality of work experience since I left (not necessarily attributable to me, LOL).

Now, the holiday is behind us and things go on at the relaxed summer pace. Relaxed that is for your children who sleep as long as they can, watch as much TV as they can, and attend as many social events as they can. I wish I could be a more effective hard ass, but I seem to have lost what technique I had. You were the master. Perhaps you could visit your children and give them a nightmare or two about the effects of sloth on one's character.

This morning, I awoke at 4 am as I seem to be doing of late. I lay in bed, drifting in and out of various levels of consciousness, but never attaining a restful state of sleep. When I finally got out of bed and started to pad to the kitchen, I noticed something outside the large window by the landing on the stairs.

It was a deer, a doe by the look of her. She was browsing the wild weeds we fondly call our natural back yard. I backtracked to the bedroom and got the camera for a few quick snaps. The resulting pictures will not win any pulitzer prizes for photography. I am becoming increasingly tired of futzing with the digital camera you gave me so many years ago. What was once a marvel of modern technology is now a fat, broken, clunky relic that results in frustration more than pleasure. Perhaps it is time to do something before we go to Europe.

But, I digress. I finally left the doe to browse and took the camera to the kitchen to fix my coffee and recharge the depleted camera battery. As the water was heating, I went out on the screen porch to watch the doe sans camera. It was then I saw she was not alone. There was a spotted fawn as well.

Over the next hour, I watched the two as they went to alert having heard and scented me and the dog once she was let out of her night-time quarters. After a bit, the fawn lay down outside your son's bedroom window while the mother continued to feed. This was the case as I went through two cups of coffee and most of the paper. Finally, I went downstairs to see if your children were up because they had "track camp" to go to and I thought your son would be particularly happy to photograph the fawn just feet outside his window.

Unfortunately for that, your daughter was already up and in the shower, which caused the boiler to come on to make up the hot water supply, which in turn shot the exhaust out the wall vent right over where the fawn was laying. Consequently, when I roused your son, the fawn was gone, as was the mother.

Still, it was a fun way for me to start the day.

Thinking of you,

d.

Extortion

My Dearest Love,

OK, it's time you came to me in a dream and explain exactly what you talked about with your sister, B.

She was here today to go over some business stuff and I could tell that she was wanting to ask about her previous request that I gift her boys with some money. I finally brought it up and said that you and I had talked extensively about what your wishes were and what I should do after you left for your long vacation. I recall many things that you talked about and one in particular. You wanted me to give your brother, the one who was the donor for your last two stem cell transplants, a gift of money. I promised that I would. And, I did. But I don't ever remember hearing you say that I should do the same for anyone else.

Not according to your sister. She says that you and she talked many times about how you were going to take care of her, about how much she gave up to do all the things she did for our family, how she raised our children (never mind that we paid her for the childcare), how she couldn't provide for her own family because she was so devoted to us. Is any of this ringing a bell? I need to know, because there is no ringing in my head (if you ignore the tinnitus).

I told her as much and then things got very teary and wailey. She just can't believe that I would treat her this way.

So you need to visit me and set me straight (if I'm crooked). Wish you were here.

Birthday Thoughts

My Dearest Love,

You were born into a new existence one year ago today. You have been much on my mind of late. Of course, not a day goes by where I don't think of you, memories tripped by something I see, or taste, or smell. But we are animals that think in cycles and ceremonies and so we make something of this day, this anniversary of transmission, your birth into a new form, however invisible to us here in this world of clay.

It is cool and overcast as I write this. Your best friend P came down last night from up north to share this day with us. Your children elected to go off to school, and after it is a track meet for your daughter (where she will receive an award for her performance of two days ago) and a dance for your son where he will no doubt receive a few rewards of his own.

Many of your friends and family have called or written to let us know that they are thinking of us and of you on this day. Some of those messages expressed concern for our well-being on this day and I have done my best to reassure them that we are in no danger - in fact, we are doing quite well. And, I believe that to be true. This last year has been a strange journey to be sure with some very dark places where the wild things were. But we have come through those places and the ground feels firm once again. You made some pretty good kids, you know.

I tried to think of something appropriate to do today that would honor you and, should you be watching, give you some pleasure. Therefore, P and I went shopping today for new sheets and blanket for the guest bedroom. I must confess however, that I did not look for sales before setting out. As is my nature, I went to one place, picked out something that looked servicable, and bought it. P was along to oversee and make sure I didn't make a hash of it.

So now the sheets are in the dryer and I will make up the bed with new linen and blanket (cotton for you, of course) as soon as is practical. Your son made P sleep out on the screen porch with him last night and may do the same again, so she might not get to test the sheets out until her next trip down.

She and I also went through your jewelery drawer and laid everything out on the dining room table. What a pack rat you were. For someone who was always criticizing my family for our inability to let go of things, you left a surprising amount of stuff behind yourself. I want your children to look these things over and take what they wish before I invite your sisters in.

So, my love, that's an update from here. Life goes on in it's up and down way. We miss you dearly and think of you often. Love to you wherever you are.

D.