The Debriefing

My Dearest Love,

I got a call last week from the gentleman who facilitated the recent family debacle. He asked me if I would like to come in for a "debriefing," saying that sometimes it helped to go over a session and review it. I said, "sure" and this morning I went in.

It was raining pitchforks on the way down and the traffic was horrendous. I had given myself enough time and made it too the office facility with one minute to spare. My contact was not so lucky, having gotten caught up in traffic himself. So, I sat on the bench and did my own review while I was waiting.

It doesn't make sense. That's it in a nutshell. Your youngest sister, the more intelligent and rational of the two, is off her rocker. Your other sister, the martyr, is just along for the ride. What I can't figure out is what is eating the younger one. She went through her litany during the family meeting, just as she had with me on the phone when all of this was kicked off, like an avalanche that is initiated with one quiet step. The problem with her "issues" list though, is that none of them alone, or in combination, justify the emotional energy that is being expended, or worse, support the very real possibility of a family rift. Something else is driving her, but I cannot understand what.

Some of this was talked about when my contact finally arrived amid profuse appologies. He was very supportive of me and my positions under the circumstances. He said that he thought that your two sisters were unable to hear what was being said during the meeting in the way of explainations of behavior and my sincere statements of appreciation for all they have done for our family.

I reiterated my earlier statements of culpability, saying that I too lost my control and said things that were both undiplomatic and unhelpful. He responded saying that he thought that I reacted upon being attacked by both sisters simultaneously and one-on-one. He indicated that he believed that I was open to trying to work through the problems facing us, but that they were not.

I asked him if he had any recommendations because, as nice as it was to hear someone tell me that I was not completely crazy and was not acting unreasonably, those words would not help to resolve the problems before us.

He said that his recommendation would be for the three of us to see a family therapist individually rather than as a group. He thought that if that occurred, perhaps the therapist would be able to help each of us understand what our central needs were, and perhaps devise a plan to take care of those needs in a positive way. I told him that I thought that was a good idea and that I would set up an individual appointment regardless of what your sisters decided to do as I feel that I could use some outside, professional advice on how to do a better job as a parent under these trying circumstances.

We also talked about our son and the needs he has. It seems clear that your departure has left a large hole in him and that he is filling that hole to the best of his ability by maximizing his relationship with your youngest sister. While I think that is reasonable, and understandable, his disire to bring your sister closer at this time, makes the job of finding a new balance for the three of us more difficult, especially now that your sisters wish me dead.

It is all so very tiring. I want to tell you though, that other than the little relative problem, things are going pretty well. I feel good about the relationships between myself and our children. They are doing well in school and seem to be handling the stress of all of this very well. Your son even ate the chili I made tonight and said that it was good. I just about fell off my chair. What's more, he is now taller than our daughter. Life is insisting on moving along, no matter what some of the "adults" seem to think is proper.

Just wanted to say "hi" and give you the latest. Don't forget to take pictures and drop a line now and again.

With love,

P.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

My Dearest Love,

I sincerely hope that you are far, far away and no longer paying any attention to affairs down here on this mud ball. Had you been watching with your cable channel tuned to "Stupid Reality Shows", you would have seen an exhibit of mudslinging, name calling, veiled and not so veiled innuendos, diva drama, tears, and bare-naked anger yesterday as the Sisters-in-Law met with me and a neutral facilitator for an attempt at dealing with this major family feud. At that, we failed.

The "good" was that we met and shared our feelings. The "bad" was that we resolved almost nothing and perhaps took a step or two backwards. The "ugly" was everything in that room. Had you seen it, you would have been appalled by the behavior of your husband and your two sisters.

What has happened to us? What critical thing caused us to spin so out of control, going from hugging, loving relationships to hurtful accusations and feelings of such utter hatefulness? It is as though we were all on a balmy cruise that suddenly was enveloped by a raging storm, capsizing the boat and casting us into cold and hostile waters, beset by unseen dangers.

Was it your passing? The loss of you? The absence of your guidance and presence? I do not know. All I do know is that I am saddened, perplexed, and pissed all at the same time. We all claim to be doing this “for the children,” like bitter divorcing couples cat fighting and clawing at each other’s eyes while looking for the chance for a fatal blow. We are so sanctimonious, that I am sickened by it. Only in this case, it is me against your two, strong willed and “used to obedience” sisters.

That poor man who agreed to give up his Saturday morning to help a bunch of aggrieved family members, what he must think. There were times when I looked up and he had the look of someone about to be hit by a semi-truck going seventy miles an hour – you know, that look of panic tinged with the knowledge that you are trapped and cannot escape the fate that is hurtling toward you, except that he had to sit there for an hour an a half. Just writing this to you makes me feel unclean.

Going in, I was not sure what to expect. What transpired was much more emotional and wicked than I ever anticipated. I thought that the past six weeks would give us time for reflection and a chance to gain perspective on the issues that were involved in the original disagreement. But instead, events went from zero to insane in a matter of minutes. Your youngest sister, the one who always seemed the most rational and reasonable of your siblings, led the attack. Whatever time had passed, it had done nothing to lessen the animosity that she feels for me. And this, this feeling she displays, is a complete cipher to me. I do not understand what it was that I did that sparked this in her.

Your other sister announced about ten minutes into the round-table, that she had to leave because she “may be sick”, at which time she left the building and got locked out. It was high drama that never ratcheted down from the start. She alone went through an entire box of Kleenex. She really poured on the coals once someone had let her back into the conference room, wailing that she could not believe how I could be so cruel, saying the things I did? How could I repute all of those times when she had given up her own life to attend to our every beck and call? How many times had she left her husband and children to tend to us? How could I fail to see what she had given, at which time I told her to stop being such a martyr. I might as well have stepped up and slapped her right in the chops. It wasn’t one of my most diplomatic moves, but it was so true.

Your other sister reacted as if I had flung a pile of dog shit in her face. Things went down hill from there.

What a mess. I am ready to bid your family adieu. I don’t need this. Things are hard enough already. The ironic part is that if I removed your two sisters from the equation, life is generally getting better. The kids and I are getting along quite well. They are both doing great in school. I went to our son’s conferences last Thursday and his teachers could not say enough good things about him. We are making it. We are working out new, and more effective ways of communication. We are getting the feel of this new configuration. Perhaps I am counting my chickens too early, but it feels like we are doing OK – if it were not for the “adults” involved.

I don’t know what will happen. The adults will either work it out, or we won’t. I will not accept the current state of affairs. I wish I had better things to say to you. I am ashamed to report these things. We are supposed to set an example for the children and I shudder to think what we are showing them.

The Knot

My Dearest Love,

I need your wisdom and guidance. I need to find a way through this unfamiliar, and treacherous terrain. I never, ever anticipated that the hardest parts of living without you would come from your own family. What was once seen and felt by me to be our greatest support is now disintegrating into my greatest nightmare.

I have spoken of the rift that has occurred between myself and your two sisters. I still hope that we can repair that, at least to where we can carry on and speak to one another. We meet as a group next Saturday with a professional facilitator to begin that process.

In the meantime however, another issue has come up. As you know, our son has a wonderful relationship with your youngest sister and her beau. He enjoys spending time with them and they extend frequent invitations for him to come to their house for dinner and overnights.

When you were still with us, this never seemed to be a problem, but now, I am growing increasingly uneasy. Trying to put a finger on exactly why is difficult. One reason is that for our son, going to visit with them is like a vacation. They have no children and delight in taking him to movies, dinners, special outings like driving go-carts. For him, it is like going on mini-vacations. He loves it. The problem arises when they drop him back off at home and he has to face homework, weekend chores, a bed room that needs to be picked up and a father that has to be the bad guy in getting him to do all of this.

I have seen him arrive home laughing and carrying on in their car only to go through a Jekyll and Hyde transformation when he walks through the door into the house. Now, I will be the first to admit that this house has not been a place of joy and light over the past months (try years), but I am trying to do the best possible job as a father and trying to figure out how we can survive and thrive going forward. Having our son see our house as a dark place made all the darker by being spoiled by his aunt makes this task even more difficult.

Today, while I was out doing the grocery shopping, I got a call from him. He had just returned from an overnight at his aunt’s house and he wanted to remind me that since tomorrow was Monday, he would be going to do something with your sister as part of an ongoing and regular weekly date. I just sat there dumbfounded. He said that we had talked about this but I don’t remember doing so. All I could think of was that your sister was trying to steal my son – turn him into her son because she had no children and no hope of having any of her own.

I was appalled at myself for even thinking it, yet, it would not leave my head. I gave her a call and told her that I was having some problems over the frequency of her invitations and that the difference between the environment at her house and the environment at mine set up a stark contrast that made my current job even more difficult. I didn’t know what to say to her to clearly express my concern without sounding like a crazy paranoid. This is where I need you. Am I being crazy? Should I feel concern that our son wants to hang out in the land of Oz where he never has to do homework or housework or work of any kind?

Your sister listened respectfully, but said that she did not want to give up her relationship with out son. She said that he needed it, which I don’t challenge. He misses you terribly and I cannot provide all of those things to him. There is no doubt in my mind that the relationship between those two is good and strong. What I am struggling with is that my task is made more difficult because of it. It feels like he is slipping away.

I don’t know what to do. I needed to tell your sister how I felt. I don’t want a repeat of the emotional explosion that occurred a couple of weeks ago. Yet, I don’t know how to make this better.

Lest I sound like all things are going to hell, in the larger picture, things are getting better I think. I am feeling stronger and finally starting to look outward. The day-to-day items that need to be taken care of for us to survive are getting done. We have a couple of trips planned for the upcoming holidays. I think that we are doing OK except for your family. What an unexpected turn of events. Where ever you are, if you could just come down and whisper in my ear tonight the solution to this Gordian knot, I would really, really appreciate it.

Yours forever,

D.