Closet Memories

My Dearest Love,

I have returned to our closet to pack up more of your clothes. It is a large task that has seen me take many, many 30 gallon trash bags of your clothes to the Goodwill. Today, I am working on the long, lower rack where you kept your casual and dress slacks and many of your shirts. With each one, I lift memories off of the hanger and carefully fold bits and pieces of our past over and over in my hands before gently placing them in the black plastic bag at my feet. Sometimes it becomes overwhelming and I must stop for a while.

This is one of those times. I came to one of your striped, knit shirts with the thin strips running horizontally. I remember how I loved it when you wore that shirt because the strips highlighted the contours of your breasts. I never tired of watching you as we both grew older and changed with age and those memories are with me still. It is difficult to part with the physical links to those memories, but I know I must. Today will be the day I finish with most of the hanging clothes and make another trip to the Goodwill.

What do they think when they see me coming again and again? It is usually the same guy or guys on the drop off dock - Somali refugees, I think. What journey will these threads now embark upon? Will I be walking down the street some summer day, or be sitting at some sidewalk cafe and see you walk past in the crowd, mind confused, not quite knowing why until the conscious part of me catches up with the unconscious and recognizes a favorite pattern quickly becoming lost in the throng? Most likely not, but these thoughts and questions run through my mind as I touch and remember in the closet.

Forever yours,

D.

Deadlines

My Dearest Love,

I have one week to drink all of our good wines. And, if that is not unfair enough, I now have a monster cold which means I can't taste for shit. Now, I have never been one to say to the great unknown in the sky "This ain't fuckin fair," but come on - this isn't fair.

I have one week because one week from today I once again start a poisonous chemo session with all of your old favorites - cytoxin (doesn't that name just warm the cockles of your heart), vincristine (another warm and fuzzy name), and prednisone (old gopher cheeks itself). In all likelihood, I will never taste things as well as I do now and to have a cold on top of it just sucks rocks (to quote an old friend).

Lest we think that things are getting too rosy, I had a conversation with one of your sisters yesterday that resulted in an email today that illustrated once again how easy it is to be misunderstood, and once that has happened, how easy it is to be taken to the emotional cleaners. The email is included below. My response to her follows.

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The email:

I was sorry to hear yesterday that spite and anger where the factors you mentioned first when I asked what you were basing your decision on for guardianship for K and J.

I am not sure that we will ever get our hurt issues settled. I was not sure that I would be able to continue a relationship with you knowing that “It” would always be there, lurking waiting to jump out. I will be the first person in line to defend and protect my kids, my family, K and J, even you, I guess. When it comes to doing the same for me, I have a hard time speaking up. Generally, I prefer to let it go and avoid the confrontation. That does not mean forget, but rise above is a more accurate description. That is what I have done with “It” for now. I was hoping that time would help us both come to some kind of an understanding and peace that we could be satisfied with.

Time has, however, ganged up with “It” and so here we are trying to figure out what to do.

There is nothing that I can tell you about why I want you to appoint P and I as guardians for K and J that you don’t already know. We have shown you the love, commitment and concern we have for your family in every way possible. I am sad that this is not as plain and clear to you as it is to me, but I am going to resign myself to the fact that it obviously is not. I will always love and try to provide everything I can for K and J regardless of who is their guardian.

I hope that you will allow me to continue working with you on the trust. That is one of the biggest promises C had me make to her so I don’t wait to feel I am letting her down. You can trust me to act in the best interest of you and your family.

In regards to your upcoming treatment and care, J2 and I will be available to help your family as we always have been. What you decide to do regarding your Health Care Representative, Personal Representative and Guardian for K and J will obviously affect the level of help you will request from us as well as what we will be able to provide. I appreciate your keeping me up to date, as you did yesterday. I am hoping that this treatment will provide you with a positive forecast for your future.

I am not willing to spend any energy being angry with you. The feelings I do have are a combination of many emotions that I am sure you are also affected by. I would like to have a nonconfrontational relationship with you and hope that we can reach some peaceful plateau.

As I expressed to you yesterday, I would appreciate being informed about the status of your work with S regarding your will and your decision about my involvement in all of those affairs. It is weighing very heavily on me, which I am sure you can understand.

B

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And my response:

Dear B,

Thank you for responding with your thoughts. This helps me in my decision making.

I would like to take a moment and address a couple of the items contained in your email, but first, let me tell you about something C taught to me once. As you know, neither of us was hesitant to express our opinions and sometimes we found ourselves on the opposite side of a debate. Early on in our marriage we had to learn how to have those discussions, work our way through the conflicts, and come out the other side with our relationship intact. One part of that process that was critical was the act of "listening" instead of "hearing."

When one "hears" another person, the words are heard and interpreted using the filters and mental constructs of the person doing the hearing. When one actively "listens," the listener tries to accept what is being said without filtering. This is a hard thing to do. It is very much in our nature to "hear" rather than "listen." C was a gifted listener, and over time, I believe she taught me to do some of the same.

When I read your email below (now above), I see what I believe is your reaction to what you heard. It is not necessarily what I said.

An example is your opening sentence. I did not say that I was basing my decision on guardianship using spite and anger as factors. What I said was that I was wrestling with inner demons, such as spite and anger, and that I did not want those to be factors in my decision making. I am still struggling with the hurt and anger that marked our relationship over the past six months. Part of my healing process is to accept that I have these feelings, understand why I have them, and then move on.

I would also like to comment on your reference to "IT." What we are dealing with here is not an impersonal entity. This is "us" - you and me, P and me, P and you. Making it impersonal allows abdication of responsibility for it. I am certainly responsible for my share of what happened, but I have never heard you say the same. It is as if you think I went off my rocker one day and did and said bad things. I did say some bad things. I said them in anger and hurt and grief. I said some of them after being verbally assaulted. I admit that and I take responsibility for what came of it. I have not heard either you or P claim any ownership of what happened. And as long as that is the case, this sore will never heal.

Lastly I would like to reiterate that I firmly believe that both you and P love K and J and will always do your best by them.

The roles of guardian and personal representative are not based solely upon love however. I must decide who I believe will best serve in those positions and while love for my children is a requirement, so is sound judgment, emotional maturity, and trust. As I prepare for death, I must ask myself, who will carry on for me? Who will make the decisions that I would have made had I been alive. I must have trust in whomever is named to those positions.

And so, I say again what I said to you on the phone. I am weighing these things. I am seeking counsel from wise persons. I am thinking about what you said to me on the phone and in your email. I have not made any final decisions.

D

So, you see, my love, that the struggle continues. I do not believe that either one of us could have believed this possible when we were making our plans for how our children would be taken care of after our passing.

What happens next is not known. I must make these decisions and rewrite all the important documents. I do not know how much time I have. I do not know what this upcoming treatment will do (aside from all the physical bullshit you are all too aware of). If it works out and buys me some time, I can always change the documents again. If not, well then, I won't be in a position to worry about it anymore.

With love,

D.